so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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