I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
