This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
