i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
