You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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