just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dick very happy bro
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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