Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
