why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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