i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
