Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
