OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
