and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
