I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
