Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize