I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
