Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
