So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
