Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
