i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize