the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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