why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
