I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
