the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
