I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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