I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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