I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we should paint friendship bongs
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