another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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