I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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