thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
