so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize