I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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