Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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