I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just cut my nipple shaving
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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