i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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