your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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