when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize