my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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