so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
