You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Duck Duck Cougar?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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