if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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