I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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