I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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