she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
