Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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