They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
two words: eviction party
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize