I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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