I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
