Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So. Much. Porn.
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