I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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