the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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