Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize