: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize