Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
