Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Blood and glitter go together right?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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