a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
