I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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