I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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