Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
