I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
