do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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