gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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