naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
