i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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