Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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