had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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