I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
