I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
