It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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